Drive-Thru Dreams: What Famous TV Cars Would Order
I don't know why my brain works this way, but sometimes I sit around wondering what famous television vehicles would do if they got hungry.
Not the drivers.
The actual vehicles.
If they rolled into a drive-thru at lunch, where would they go?
Would they be loyal customers? Would they have rewards apps? Would they order the same thing every time?
These are the important questions.
The Bandit's Pontiac Trans Am — McDonald's
Let's start with the obvious.
The black and gold Trans Am from Smokey and the Bandit is pulling straight into McDonald's.
Love it or hate it, both represent a certain version of Americana.
One is a screaming V8 wrapped in eagle decals.
The other sells billions of hamburgers.
Neither one apologizes for what it is.
The Bandit probably orders two Quarter Pounders, a large fry, and drives off before Buford T. Justice can finish placing his order.
The A-Team Van — Burger King
The A-Team van isn't interested in rules.
It's not interested in fitting in.
It's definitely not interested in a salad.
Burger King is the perfect match.
The van pulls up, Mr. T leans out the window, and somebody orders enough Whoppers to feed a small militia.
Have it your way? That's basically the A-Team's mission statement.
Magnum P.I.'s Ferrari 308 GTS — Starbucks
Some of you are thinking I'd pair Magnum's Ferrari with a fancy Hawaiian coffee plantation.
Nope.
Starbucks.
The Ferrari isn't there because it needs coffee.
The Ferrari is there because everybody else needs to see it.
It's parked sideways, taking up two spots, while Magnum strolls inside wearing a Detroit Tigers cap and aviator sunglasses.
The drink?
An iced coffee.
Nothing complicated.
The car is already doing enough showing off.
KITT from Knight Rider — Arby's
Look.
A talking car sounded completely ridiculous in the 1980s.
And yet somehow it worked.
Arby's gets the same treatment.
People make jokes.
People question it.
People say they're not sure about it.
Yet both continue existing.
KITT would absolutely analyze the nutritional content of every sandwich while Michael Knight ignored him and ordered curly fries anyway.
The CHP Motorcycles from CHiPs — Dunkin'
This one requires no explanation.
Motorcycles.
Cops.
Coffee.
Dunkin'.
Moving on.
The Mystery Machine — Taco Bell
You already knew where this was headed.
The Mystery Machine rolls into Taco Bell around 1:00 a.m.
Scooby and Shaggy order enough food to qualify as a catering event.
Crunchwraps.
Tacos.
Burritos.
Nacho fries.
Three things covered in cheese that nobody can properly identify.
Fred tries to keep everyone organized.
Velma reads the menu.
Daphne orders responsibly.
Scooby and Shaggy immediately destroy the plan.
The Autobots — Carl's Jr.
The Autobots deserve something classic.
Something big.
Something unapologetically excessive.
Carl's Jr.
Optimus Prime seems like the kind of leader who appreciates a burger that requires two hands and a commitment.
They're giant transforming robots saving humanity.
They've earned a Western Bacon Cheeseburger.
The Decepticons — Hardee's
If the Autobots get Carl's Jr., the Decepticons get Hardee's.
Same family.
Different side of the conflict.
Megatron spends the entire meal plotting world domination while Starscream complains that his order is wrong.
Again.
Lane Meyer's Camaro from Better Off Dead — In-N-Out
A classic deserves a classic.
The Camaro from Better Off Dead isn't flashy.
It isn't exotic.
It isn't futuristic.
It's just cool.
Like In-N-Out.
Simple menu.
Simple ingredients.
No gimmicks.
No unnecessary foam.
No deconstructed burger.
No burger served on a roofing shingle.
Just a burger, fries, and a milkshake.
Sometimes that's enough.
Final Thoughts
Maybe this says more about me than it does about television history.
But I stand by every one of these choices.
The Bandit belongs at McDonald's.
The Mystery Machine belongs at Taco Bell.
KITT belongs at Arby's.
And if I ever see Magnum's Ferrari in a Starbucks parking lot, I'm considering this entire theory confirmed.
The only question left is this:
What drive-thru would the Dukes of Hazzard's General Lee choose?
Because if that answer isn't Bojangles, I don't know what we're even doing here.
